The Perils of Alcohol

I was listening to a programme on the radio this morning where the comedian Dave Spikey was relating an incident where he had inadvertently thrown something containing a chemical into a furnace which exploded and in the process set light to his hair.

This story, from this comedian, in such an amusing way made me think back to a very old friend of mine, lets call him “Kev” shall we?  I found my own recollections of a similar incident made me laugh ‘till I cried over my porridge!

I went like this, one day during our time in the Army, and no doubt during of just after one of our nights out and the consumption of several large bottles of Cypriot beer Kev raised the subject of some stage or circus acts he had seen.  These were where some of the acts involved a showman passing needles, apparently painlessly,  through their cheeks and fire eaters “safely” blowing jets of flame from their mouths.  “I can do that” he declared!

Trust me I thought, I don’t think it's safe. But given the amount of beer that we had drunk I was finding Kev’s reasoning (the face is “immune to pain in certain places”) rather compelling and enough to have me agreeing with his assertion that he could “do it”.  Mind you I was not in a month of Sundays going to try doing it myself.

So Kev prepared himself first taking his needle, a cigarette lighter to use for both sterilising the needle and igniting the “fuel” for his fire eating experiment and finally a container of butane gas.(liquid lighter fuel not being readily available)  “are you sure about this” I ventured.  Kev assured me that he was as he no doubt swigged another good slug of Cypriot beer. In all honesty I can’t remember if we had any beer with us or indeed just how drunk we were at the time, if indeed we were even drunk.  But something had possessed us and I was not about to change Kev’s mind. 

The scene was set, Kev was ready though I should add at this stage that he was on a period of leave and had grown the semblance of a beard which was to prove crucial later on.  Taking several deep breaths Kev embarked on the first part of his “act”, the needle passing through the cheek trick. We carefully “sterilised” the needle with the cigarette lighter and then with some confidence Kev started to push the needle into and through his cheek. 

After about three seconds all Kev’s confidence in his belief that there would be no pain was cast to the wind as he wailed loudly with the needle simply piercing the outer part of his face and leaving him in no doubt that this part of the act would have to be abandoned.

Kev  never to be considered a coward or a fool (in public) quickly abandoned this part of his plan and quickly  moved on to stage two of his plan, fire eating.

I suppose fire eating was not the right description for this next feat as it was going to be more like fire blowing.  What we had not taken into account in this “keystone Cops” approach to fire eating or body piercing was that butane was not the best “liquid” to attempt to blow from ones mouth and ignite. No, it was to end all of Kev’s dreams for a life on stage as the soft “whoomp” as he lit the jet of expelled butane. With the “whoomp” Kev’s beard ignited and after a few seconds of frantic beating the singed beard was simply smouldering and giving of the distinctive reek of burning hair.

I cried with laughter then, just as I did when I recalled the story at breakfast.  I trust Kev has not and will not try that trick again?

I must remember to write about his attempts once to trim on his beards with those old fashioned hair clippers barbers used to use.  Now that’s another story, watch this space!

OG's and KD's?

You may wonder what I am on about but there again you may wonder that most if not all of the time, so let me explain.

I took a glance at a thread that was running in a "military" Message Board to which I am associated but do not contribute too and was drawn to the subject matter "OG's and KD's". Now to the uninitiated these are abbreviations in the army for some items of clothing worn in either tropical or desert situations. OG's are Olive Greens and KD's are Khaki Drills which does not really adequately describe them. However, let me attempt to put this in context.

When I was posted to Cyprus I was issued with several sets of KD's, Cyprus not being a jungle area and in summer more akin to an arid desert in most places. This kit issued comprised two safari style jackets, two pairs of trousers and two pairs of shorts, if that's what you could call these knee length monstrosities we were expected to ear at all times during the day. We were also issued with some interesting items of leg wear called "hose tops". These were footless woollen stockings that we wore with over our socks and inside the tops of our army boots. You then topped this off with a pair of "puttees", not quite like those worn in WW1 but made of the same material.

I have to say that on the first day I put on my very new and very large KD uniform for Muster Parade, I and the others newly joining our unit, I felt very very foolish. The shorts were scraping along the tops of my knees, the puttees were like thick khaki bandages wrapped around my ankles and the KD jacket was so large and baggy that I looked like a scarecrow. There were undisguised sniggers from the majority of "old sweats" who had been wearing these items of uniform for much longer than us and all I wanted to do was get out of it!

Come the end of the day we had received much advice on what to do with our new uniforms, the main one being "get down to the tailors shop now" ! So off we went, there were three of us, to have some alterations. Advice was clear, lose at least 4" off the length of the shorts and to hell with the regulation that said shorts should be no shorter that 4" above the knee. Get the sleeves cut off and folded back into permanent "rolled up" look and at the same time get the various pleats and creases that needed ironing into place "stitched" in to place. Finally, the puttees, take a pair of scissors and cut off most of the length of the heavy woollen material and as much of the tape that was at one end and used to wrap around the outside of the puttee to hold it in place as was necessary to wrap about your ankle, once! Well, I was terrified once I had handed over my precious uniform to the Pakistani tailor who knew exactly what he had to do with out me having to explain. All he did was look at me, size me up and set of hacking my new kit to bits. Was I going to get noticed and told to go and get replacements at my own cost, would I end up on a charge? As it was this was unfounded as everyone from the Colonel down wore "tailored" KD's. So, it was from bag of rags to svelte and slim overnight and it was not until almost two and a half years that anyone paid any attention to our uniforms.

It was towards the end of the Cyprus spring, warm but not warm enough to wear shorts. We were still wearing "winter kit" of UK summer dress i.e. long trousers, Cotton shirts and on the evenings the occasional pullover and it came as a shock to us when our new Commander on the Island arrived and (as he was no doubt hot) declared it to be "Summer time" - This was the end of April and really quite fresh for us in the early mornings. Well we moaned and dug out our summer kits and shivering during roll call and then were dispatched to "Line the route" for the Outgoing and Incoming Generals.

The next day it became obvious that he was not happy with what he had seen and had ordered that everyone be dressed in Standard Issue Kit - The rumble of mutiny was in the air! But being good soldiers we duly found our spare sets of KD (the ones we used for Kit Inspection only) and set about wearing them in the correct manner. There was going to be a lot of laughs that first morning and at ALL levels.

One of our unit, Brummie Crawford, decided to take this order to its extremes and pressed his shorts to perfection with liberal does of starch applied in all the right places. He then took lengths of metal coat hangers and inserted these in the out leg of the shorts so that they looked like large wedge shaped plus fours. He then took the wire from his dress cap and placed this in his beret so that it was transformed into a large dark blue plate on his head at a 45 degree angle all this was this finished off with his full length puttees wrapped around his ankles like heavy gaiters. The measurements from knee to short was exactly 4" and the tops of his dark blue Hose Tops exactly 4" below his knee. Like this, he and rest of us all wearing as issued kit (but not to the elaborate extreme that Brummie had achieved with his) turned out on muster parade.

Now Ken Maule, our Sergeant Major at the time was of the old school. In his perfect uniform that was immaculate, we both feared and respected him and had no idea what to expect as he took his usual methodical and measured steps out from his office to inspect us and pass on any orders or the like each day. He stood gazing at us for some time, up and down the ranks back and forth from front rank to rear his stare was starting to unnerve us, there was no talking, movement or suppressed sniggers this particular morning. Suddenly, he mouth twitched underneath his little black moustache, he rocked on his heels, a bit like Mr McKay in "Porridge" on TV, "get out of my sight now" he shouted "get back to work"! We were stunned for a few seconds and then we let ourselves go in burst of laughter of relief. Needless to say, next day we were back in the old kit and never heard another word from anyone about our "short shorts" and tailored uniforms!

Sadly, I know NOTHING about OG's as I was never "up the jungle" .... but I am sure there were similar events for those who wore that kit at some stage or another.

Here are some photographs of the offending kit. Not only were we supposed to wear it for parades and work but we were expected to "fight" in it. Just look at some of the footage on Yourtube from Aden in the 1960's they had no body armour and wore the same uniform for parades! ADEN Here's a link! And other from Cyprus in 1956.. Soldiers in KD's chasing rioters. CYPRUS

Kit for soldiers today is far superior but often not superior enough..........................

Me in my KD's (Two of us turned up in Libya for attachment to an Infantry Regiment wearing this and were called "Tinsel Town Soldiers by their RSM, we got into more suitable attire very quickly)


Here is another in more a "casual" moment!
And here an example of how a real soldier should look... Den West!